there is no such thing as gender

OK.. so my first day of 2005 is over, and Im not so ure that I like the way it started. I did get to wake up to my beautiful girlfriend, so I guess all in all that day wasnt horrible. We went out the night before with my mom to watch the bands play, and it was a lot of fun. My dad was pissed that my mom went with me.. but what can you do.. its not like they get along. So my mom, kathy, and I crash at a freinds apt after the concert is over. my mom is in one room, and kathy and i take another. my friend is out of town and she was nice enough to give me her keys for the break.. so back to the story. When the three of us are about to leave, my sister calls my mom.. and she is fucking hysterical. her boyfriend dumped her.. yet again not another huge suprise.. bc this boy is crazy, and he treats my sister like shit. the night before they were both fucked up on xanax and hennessey.. so words were exchanged and punches were thrown... and my sister is 17.. scary shit. so we go meet her. and breakfast is so no fun...then we go home to my father.. who is pissed bc he spent the night alone.. but he has been mean.. so no one in the house really gives a shit. my mom and i go out to the grocery store.. when we get back.. he is gone.. he went for lunch or something. 3,4,5,6 o'clock pass and he is still not home. so he is having a long lunch i assume...?? yeah right. my mom wanted to go out and have a beer with a friend and i decided to go back to atl, so i dont have to wake up early for work, and i end up taking my sister with me. the whole ride is ...."i want to be with him".... i ignore her. but i get to atl, and see my gf, and a few other friends and all is well.. for the time being. my friends, girlfriend, and sister and i go see a move.. before the movie starts.. my mom calls.. its after ten, still NO dad. so she tells me that she isnt staying at home, and she leaves too. right now my home is empty, my mom and dad are in sperate beds in different houses tonight, and my sister and i are crashing in my friends apartment. and to make matters worse.. my sister used my phone to text her ex boyfriend all through the movie.. and its four thirty now. and he is still sending texts to my phone.. but my sister is sleeping, and i cant turn it off because i need it for an alarm in the morning. plus, she called him from the phone here, so he keeps calling.. and calling.... and calling. so back to my original point, the first day of the year is over.. it has been for 4.5 hours... i didnt care for it too much. maybe day 2 of 2005 will be better.

The winds are coming in, the sun is rising and setting at the same time, the rain pours and crashes over everything.  Then a calm begins and the dust starts to settle.  And now I cry.  The only problem with the tears is that they move around the dust and seem to shake up the storm again.  You are the blood that flows through my veins, when I think of losing you my blood turns to ice, I begin to choke on my tears and get dizzy.  Wait--- what day is it? I'm losing all sense of time, Im getting out of touch with reality.  I need a cold drink, I need to smoke, I need to hold on before I fall over.  Please catch me.. but-- I dont need to ask, I know I can catch myself.  It just feels nice knowing that you are there. I do know that you are there.. and more now than ever.  Soft skin, blue eyes, lips that kiss away my tears.  I tell you six months is a long time to be gone.  And I cry, I cant stop crying.  I want to take you to the airport.  I want to hold you fucking bags when you stand in line.... YOU... you will be the obe standing in line.  You are leaving.  But where will that leave my life.  My life will be exactly the way you left it, it will be me, it will be mine.  Sweat will run into my eyes, tears will burn my face, my lips will crack.  I will have to wipe my own tears off.. what a concept.  Can I survive with out you?  NO, ok.. wait-- sure I can.  Everyday you are gone is one day closer to your return.  Every tear that I cry means there will be one less the next time.  Do I want to live without you, surely you jest... can I?  Yes, I dont have any other choice.  Each I love you will carry so much weight. Your voice will sound like the first time, everytime.  Each letter will be worth its weight in gold.  Every night I get into an empty bed will make me realize how much I want you there.  Will make me realize the nights we have wasted over stupid fights.  Will cause desire to worship you when you return. Kiss every inch as if it was my salvation.  I still have you for several nights.  Several nights for stroms, strong winds.. but the dust will never settle.  I want you to kiss away the tears, and you do. We do it together.  When you are gone I will hold onto memories of sunlight dancing over your sleeping face, your arm wrapped around a pillow, chest moving up and down.  I kiss your forehead, you wake.  You smile and kiss me back, but fall asleep before you tell me you love me.  But thats ok, Ill hold out in this storm.  Soon the sun will set, and when it rises, that memory will be my reality.

I am thinking i need to smoke a clove before i begin my next post.

Well, now that the holidays have come to a psuedo fizz... I can begin to blog again.  I know New Years Eve/Day is just around the corner.. but the majority of the holiday has transformed into to a dull roar.  I dont want to blog and be angry about things, so I decided it was best to stay away.  The past several days have been a hell of a rollercoaster, extreme highs and gut wrentching lows.  I swear, the holidays must birth hundreds of writers.  These fucked up, crazy, sad, drunken, slap-happy, tearful, exciting, high emotion and dramatic experiences are what shape and form us, and take the crazies and turn them into writers.  I'm ready to begin a memoir. I want to call it "Cheap Chicken Casserole"  I dont think a title like that would even begin to sell.. But what I can promise is that whoever would pick it up and read through the first few pages would realize they arent the only one.  Only one being "normal" or "crazy" and whatever that means.  I prefer to use the word standard.  I know I cant be the only tewnty-something out there who had a crazy holiday season  where nothing went as planned or as it ever has before, or who had situations develop in ways never thought possible.  Though the past few days have been different, change is good.  And whats even better about the change is that it didnt leave me bitter.  It gives me a strange feeling of solidarity within my family, and a new respect for the four of us.  We all improvised, we are all dealing with shit that is too heavy, we all had to deal with each other, all of us faced our deamons, and we survived.  Though there might have been a few cuts a bruises along the way, I think all of us are stronger for it.

I am feeling on some tits.. jk

I am thinking COUNTDOWN...last final is 64 minutes.. quick... why is Hamlet a tragic hero?

everytime
i come back with the same line
after we fight
baby i know it isnt right
so i sing the same song
im sorry, i was wrong
dont want to be mad
and if we had one hundred years
id spend them all with you
one hundred years, one million tears
i dont know why i get angry
and belittle your fears
so let me kiss away your tears
and appreciate your fears
i knew who you were when i met you
i dont mean to shove away
the girl that i love
i cant take it away
what i said today
when i walked away
and left you standing there
arms bare
like i didnt care
but i do
baby i love you
you are right
please lets not fight anymore
today or ever
i cant live without you
you are my forever

I am thinking OMG.. jazz final in 35 minutes!

I am thinking i want to be wrapped between youre thighs.. i want to see you close your eyes, and arch your back..